Fremantle Pirates Golf Club
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Araluen -Western Australia. 16th hole
A beautiful, simple golf swing - Anna Rawson
If male golfers were treated like female golfers -oh dear!
In 1962, Australian meteorologist Nils Leid hit a ball 2400 metres downwind across the ice at Mawson Base. The distance record still stands.
Aussie Aussie Aussie!
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Golfer: Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake.
Caddy: Think you can keep your head down that long? -
Golfer: I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddy: Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth. -
Golfer: Do you think my game is improving?
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now. -
Golfer: Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?
Caddy: Eventually. -
Golfer: You've got to be the worst caddy in the world.
Caddy: I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence. -
Golfer: Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction.
Caddy: It's not a watch - it's a compass. -
Golfer: How do you like my game?
Caddy: Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf. -
Golfer: Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day. -
Golfer: This is the worst course I've ever played on.
Caddy: This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago. -
Golfer: That can't be my ball, it's too old.
Caddy: It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.
Think Indonesia and tourism, and the first thing that comes to mind is probably Bali. Think golf holiday, and most people would dream of Scotland or Ireland. But Indonesia harbors one of the best-kept secrets in the world of travel: it is a golfer's paradise.
I can't wait to be that age and hanging out with a bunch of people hanging out all day playing golf and going to the beach, all my own age. We'd be laughing and having a good time and getting loopy on our prescription drugs. Driving golf carts around. I can't wait.
Cameron Diaz
A golf lesson without words, - just relax and watch Al Geiberger's classic swing. And try to not let the music put you to sleep.
Oh, well, that's golf.
A true fanatic golfer
Self-made swing changes work for a maximum of 3 holes and a minimum of not at all.
If you pick up a golfer and hold it close to your ear, like a seashell, you will hear an alibi.
To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap.
Example: backswing 20 kph x handicap 15 = downswing 600 kph.
He said he wanted more distance. I told him to hit it and then run backwards.
Ken Venturi
Hit the fairway
Missed the fairway
"Then I thought, with the same clubhead speed, the ball’s going to go at least six times as far. There’s absolutely no drag, so if you do happen to spin it, it won’t slice or hook 'cause there’s no atmosphere to make it turn."
Astronaut Alan Shepard talking about his moon shot
There are 2 golf balls on the moon.
Golf is the only sport that has been played on the moon
A person flips along the TV stations endlessly to discover nothing is on cable. He sees a channel that is displaying a golf tournament and decides he has nothing else to do so he might as well watch a boring sport like golf. He watches as a professional effortlessly pulls out an amazing shot and the crowd roars. The man thinks to himself that he could be a great golfer and how easy this game looks; but what he doesn’t know is that the game of golf is one of the most challenging sports in today’s world.
The game of golf physically is very challenging to the player. Unlike other sports, the slightest adjustment can throw off his or her entire swing. The player could just move his hands on the club one or two inches and this could create a whole different result if he would have kept his hands where they were. Baseball, Basketball and other sports don’t have such precise requirements to pull of a move or an action. Also, golf requires a variety of shots to hit. Short shots, long shots, trick shots, putting, and chipping are just a few that a player has to master in order to succeed. Golf takes lots of practice to master also because of how many different things he has to perform on the course, and with limited resources it’s difficult for some people to get in the practice they need. Golf challenges a player in every swing he makes out on the course. The golfer has no time to rest and every shot could make the difference in his or her score.
Mentally, golf is one of the toughest challenges in all of sports. Confidence is such a big factor for the player in golf. Confidence can sink or float a player because without confidence the player could start trying to make changes in his swing without practicing first and this can lead to disaster. Also, confidence can lead to success because with confidence the player just lets his body do the work and doesn’t think too much about each shot. Focus is another big factor in golf. Focusing on the course is probably the most important because there are so many factors to take in on each shot. Wind speed, the grain of the grass, what club to hit, and basic swing mechanics are just a few to look at when someone hits a golf shot, so a golfer could miss a detail without focus. Also with focus the golfer does not think about extra things like how he or she looks and where he is on the leader board which can lead to error. Golf is a strenuous game mentally to the players it consumes.
Golf physically and mentally challenges the golfer like no other sport. It can be the most difficult, yet most rewarding game ever invented. I’m just glad I get to take part in such a great game.
“That ball is so far left, Lassie couldn’t find it if it was wrapped in bacon."
David Feherty
P G Wodehouse on golf
He enjoys that perfect peace, that peace beyond all understanding, which comes to its maximum only to the man who has given up golf.
The only way of really finding out a man's true character is to play golf with him. In no other walk of life does the cloven hoof so quickly display itself.
"After all, golf is only a game", said Millicent. Women say these things without thinking. It does not mean that there is any kink in their character. They simply don't realise what they are saying.
Golf acts as a corrective against sinful pride. I attribute the insane arrogance of the later Roman Emperors almost entirely to the fact that, never having played golf, they never knew that strange chastening humility which is engendered by a topped chip shot. If Cleopatra had been ousted in the first round of the Ladies' Singles, we should have heard a lot less of her proud imperiousness.
They were real golfers, for real golf is a thing of the spirit, not of mere mechanical excellence of stroke.
Sudden success in golf is like the sudden acquisition of wealth. It is apt to unsettle and deteriorate the character.
Golf, like the measles, should be caught young, for, if postponed to riper years, the results may be serious.
Confidence, of course is an admirable asset to a golfer, but it should be an unspoken confidence. It is perilous to put it into speech. The gods of golf lie in wait to chasten the presumptuous.
The test of a great golfer is his ability to recover from a bad start.
Golf... is the infallible test. The man who can go into a patch of rough alone, with the knowledge that only God is watching him, and play his ball where it lies, is the man who will serve you faithfully and well.
Men capable of governing empires fail to control a small white ball, which presents no difficulties whetever to others with one ounce more brain than a cuckoo clock.
I wish to goodness I knew the man who invented this infernal game. I'd strangle him. But I suppose he's been dead for ages. Still, I could go and jump on his grave.
I've just discovered the secret of golf. You can't play a really hot game unless you're so miserable that you don't worry over your shots. Take the case of a chip shot, for instance. If you're really wretched, you don't care where the ball is going and so you don't raise your head to see. Grief automatically prevents pressing and over-swinging. Look at the top-notchers. Have you ever seen a happy pro?
The official biography of Kim Jong Il claimed he was the world's greatest golfer (five holes-in-ones on his very first round!), could control the weather with his mood, and ... did not defecate.
And the wind shall say "Here were a decent godless people. Their only monument the fairway and a thousand lost golf balls - TS Eliot
Scratch golfer
Understanding Engineers #3
A priest, an ophthalmologist, and an engineer were golfing one morning behind a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys?
We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in,
"I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said,
"Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year,
so we let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment. Then the priest said,
"That's so sad. I think I'll say a special prayer for them."
The ophthalmologist added, "Good idea. And maybe I could examine
them to see if there's anything I can do for them."
They were silent for a moment.
Then the engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
When they reach the 9th fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. A large pine tree sits in front of his ball, directly between it and the green.
After several minutes pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and land with a thud a foot from where it had started.
"Of course," says the old man, "when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall."
Lorena Ochoa won the Navistar LPGA Classic on Sunday for her seventh win of the year. Was the difference that she tried harder, toughed it out, was good at “grinding,” or any such nonsense? Nah! Her secret was that she decided to have a good time and just play.
Here’s what she said, according to the Associate Press:
“Sometimes you need to play and have a good time, and that’s what I did.”
Cape Kidnappers golf course, New Zealand
When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
"The world's No. 1 tennis player spends 90 percent of his time winning, while the world's No. 1 golfer spends 90 percent of his time losing. Golfers are great losers."
ON PUTTING
As I see it, the thing that hurt my putting most when it was bad, was thinking too much about how I was making the stroke and not enough about getting the ball in the hole.
Bobby Jones
Bad putting stems from thinking 'How' instead of 'Where'.
Jackie Burke Jn
The stroke itself is a minor, almost insignificant, part of putting. Much more critical are consistent setup, reading greens and—most important of all—aiming the clubface correctly.
Phil Mickelson
You do not focus your eyes on the ball when you putt. You pick a spot one inch in front of the ball that you want the ball to roll over, and that's where you look.
Dave Stockton Jn
I have never seen a good putter who stands with the ball well back in his stance, as this would lead to a downward hit, making the ball jump rather than roll smoothly off the putter.
Colin Montgomerie
Finally I'm vindicated. I'm certainly one of the most talented athletes ever to come out of the Chicago area, and I've been largely unappreciated...but at last I can claim the glory that is rightly mine...I am now recognised as a true athletic hero...
-Bill Murray, after defeating Michael Jordan in a charity golf event in Chicage.
A few more useful excuses.
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I play better with golfers who are actually good.
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I pulled a muscle in my leg while helping an elderly lady get her bag out of the car boot.
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I thought that when I turned 40 I could play from the gold tees.
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I thought this little shark on my shirt made me play better.
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I'm afraid I'll kill another bird - I just can't get over the fear
A Paris Hilton – an expensive hole
A Diego Maradonna – a very nasty 5 footer
A Salman Rushdie – an impossible read
A Rio Ferdinand – lipped out
A Rock Hudson – thought it was straight, but it wasn’t
A Cuban – needs one more revolution
An Elton John – a big bender that lips the rim
An Adolf Hitler – two shots in the bunker
A Yasser Arafat – ugly and in the sand
A Kate Winslett – a bit fat but otherwise perfect
A Kate Moss – a bit thin
A Gerry Adams – playing a Provisional
A Rodney King – over-clubbed
An O. J. Simpson – got away with it
A Princess Grace – should have taken a driver
A Princess Di – shouldn’t have taken a driver
A politician - a scuccession of poor lies
A James Joyce - a difficult read
Army golf - left, right, left, right
A Ladyboy – looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems
An elephant’s arse – high and shitty
A condom – safe but didn’t feel real good
A circus tent – a BIG top
An Anna Kournikova – looks great, but unlikely to get a result
A Vinnie Jones – nasty kick when you’re not expecting it
A Ryanair – flies well but lands a long way from the target
A sister-in-law – up there but I know that I shouldn’t be
"Golf courses are beautiful. Many people think mature men have no appreciation for beauty except in young women.
That isn't true, and anyway, we'd rather be playing golf." -
PJ O'Rourke.
"The more you study a course, the more you appreciate what a great test it is." -
Phil Mickelson
"Anyone who criticises a golf course is like a person invited to a house for dinner who, on leaving, tells the host that the food was lousy." -
Gary Player
"Always count you blessings. Be thankful you are able to be out on a beautiful course. The vast majority of people in the world don't have that opportunity." -
Fred Couples
Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."
I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls". She got out of a car driven by a man, who she kissed passionately before getting out.
It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?
Signed,
Perplexed
Rory vs the Robot
“And we were taught to play golf. Golf epitomizes the tame world. On a golf course nature is neutered. The grass is clean, a lawn laundry that wipes away the mud, the insect, the bramble, nettle and thistle, an Eezy-wipe lawn where nothing of life, dirty and glorious, remains. Golf turns outdoors into indoors, a prefab mat of stultified grass, processed, pesticided, herbicided, the pseudo-green of formica sterility. Here, the grass is not singing. The wind cannot blow through it. Dumb expression, greenery made stupid, it hums a bland monotone in the key of the mono-minded. No word is emptier than a golf tee. No roots, it has no known etymology, it is verbal nail polish. Worldwide, golf is an arch act of enclosure, a commons fenced and subdued for the wealthy, trampling serf and seedling. The enemy of wildness, it is a demonstration of the absolute dominion of man over wild nature.”
― Jay Griffiths, Wild: An Elemental Journey (who obviously never played at FPGC).
In 1587, golf's first famous woman player, Mary Queen of Scots, was beheaded. Women's golf went into a bit of a decline after that.
Golf is a cruel game, because eventually it will drag you out in front of the whole school, take your lunch money, and slap you around. - Rick Riley
Senior's rule 773f Preposterous Shot
If a player who has been goaded, egged on, or otherwise incited by a fellow player into attempting a hopelessly difficult, plainly impossible, or clearly counterproductive shot proceeds against his own better judgement to engage in the recommended reckless and foolish play, and his effort goes awry, he is entitled to a single repetition of the stroke, without penalty, but if the execution of the ill-advised shot was the subject of, or was occasioned by, a wager between himself and the instigating player, then the terms of that wager, no matter how onerous, shall take precedence over the provisions of this exception.
Senior's rule 97c Hostile Growth
If, in order to sit upon or lean against a plant or remove deadwood from it or interweave and immobilise interfering branches, a player would have to subject himself to scratches, cuts, or pricks from thorns, brambles, briers, spines, burrs, needles, or thistles, he may, without penalty, tap or kick his ball to the nearest safely playable unobstructed lie.
